Best Full English Since Gary Wilmot's Wedding

I’d have that three times a day if I could, but I’d be dead.

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The Full Irish from Vito’s Café, Ruislip.

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So, as a treat today, I took a half day off of work and combined breakfast and lunch (in what I believe is being called “lunkfast”) and had a fried breakfast. I attended the establishment with my wife and my son (because eating cooked breakfasts is a family day out, people make out like Disneyland is the be all and end all but you can’t get a decent black pudding for love nor money in that shit-tip).

We went to Vito’s Café on Ruislip High Street. It’s a café based on the high street of Ruislip owned by a man I assume is called Vito (I never saw any men working there so “Vito” could be a fictional figure, the Little Chef had a similar marketing strategy - you’d be surprised to find out that they actually employed very few midgets as cooks).

I ordered the Full Irish (number 6 on the menu – they number all the food items on the menu, a tactic used by some Chinese restaurants as people often have trouble pronouncing the meals and don’t want to embarrass themselves trying. I asked the waitress for a “number six” as I wasn’t 100% sure how to pronounce “full Irish”). It came with bacon (x2), eggs (x2) sausages, (x2) beans (x43 approx.), fried onions (x21 approx.), fried potatoes (x11 – not approx., I counted and double-checked) and a choice of white or black pudding.

I’m a bit of a maverick/bad-bastard and refuse to let a stranger, especially one who I wasn’t sure wasn’t a work of fiction or not, give me an ultimatum so I demanded both white and black pudding. They folded like a pack of cards and gave into my demands instantly for a surplus charge of 60 pence. The meal had been ordered and I was already holding a mental advantage of a crucial food order victory over them.

You’ll notice from the accompanying photo that there are tomatoes on my plate, but I haven’t listed them as an item included in the Full Irish. Let me explain. Please, let me explain, you’re being unreasonable. My wife’s order came with tomatoes and she doesn’t like them, so I had them. Under no circumstances must you assume the Full Irish from Vito’s Café on Ruislip High Street comes with tomatoes. If you order it, you can ask, but after my battle of wills over the white and black pudding suggests it isn’t a certainly you can get them included.

The meal itself was beautiful, absolutely divine. I loved it. (In terms of taste, I didn’t actually fall in love with it, no one at BFESGWW has designs on meals besides wanting to eat them. I cannot stress that enough.) I really enjoy black and white pudding… and that’s why I ordered them.

The only disappointment was that the sausages were a touch on the bland side for my liking and the eggs weren’t as runny as I’d prefer. But I didn’t ask for runny eggs, so how were they to know? Vito isn’t a mind reader, even though he’s a figment of our imagination and his super-powers aren’t clear.

I’d give the Full Irish at Vito’s Café an 8/10. Why? Because I can. Get over yourself.

Filed under Ruislip Vito's Cafe Full irish